Thursday, January 19, 2012

Really really really really..........

Sometimes i think..."Am i really in Africa right now?...am i really living in a village? am i really...really...really...? How can it be that after two years of Peace Corps service, i still have those thoughts...i don't know, i cant answer them for myself so I can not answer them for you. I don't want to start a countdown, I don't want to jump up and down for joy and i don't want to have a farewell party...that is how/what I am feeling right now.

Today, I went to assist one of the teachers at school with a talk on "The immune system & HIV/AIDS", it inst my first time doing that talk nor is it my first time talking to that specific group of students. For the past year I have grown close to many of those learners and needless to say I know a lot about them and their lives. While talking about the modes of transmission of HIV and by sharing a story that I recently read, i could not help to think that somebody in that classroom is infected already and here I am standing in front of them talking about being responsible for your life by 1: abstaining from sex 2: knowing your partners status and 3: using condoms correctly & consistently. I felt insensitive to their situations, i felt fake and just ridiculous. All I could think to do is to run over to them and hug them. I absolutely have no idea what they thought, and that makes me feel (insert weird word that I cant think of here). I kept trying not to make eye contact with them (which i love to do with students when i address them). I was afraid that if I did then others would think I know something they don't know. I am a paranoid individual. I want them to know that although you may have these disease, it will not stop you and your beautiful inner light from shining. I want them to know that whether or not your in this situation that you never chose to be in, you can be the best that you can be and that you are fantabulous :) However what struck me the most about today is that, one day...one day soon I will not be there to talk to them. As I always tell them, I am not your mother so i cant tell you what to do but everyday I hoped, wished and prayed that they listen to me. I am realizing that this is it, my time has come to go and I hope that somehow I did something. Somehow, I helped them realize how beautiful, intelligent and amazing each one of them are. And with that they can make better healthier decisions and with that they have learned to study hard and focus on whats important and with that they can understand that "yes we do not choose to be born in a village but somewhere along the line we can choose to be better...to do better. I knew when I joined the Peace Corps, I was not going to save anybody or be this hero person, so I have to keep reminding myself that....

"We ourselves feel that what we are doing is just a drop in the ocean.
But the ocean would be less because of that missing drop"

....as Mother Theresa puts it so well, I love her she puts everything so well anyways.
As my contract is coming to an end, I find myself consistently asking...am i really really going to finish my PC service, am i really done and um...did i just live in Africa for two years?um...Yes Peggy you did.





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